There is such fascination around black women’s ability to date and marry that we have an article telling us “Hey black women, we know you guys suck at dating, but look, here’s hope.”
As everyone knows Meghan Markle’s engagement to Prince Harry has been the talk of the media town. The walls of Twitter, Instagram, and other social media sites shouted cries of #blackgirlmagic! We have become accustomed to seeing European culture within the royal walls, that when someone of color comes and add some new flavor we can’t help but cheer them on. I mean we are still having firsts and it's 2017. ABC tried to capture this in their oddly structured article, but failed miserably.
The intent was admirable as they did try to capture the excitement of black women around the world. However, their attempt to support black women resulted in a shade grenade against black women, black men, and our relationships statuses.
What really set me off was their tone deaf article title, “For many black women, Meghan Markle’s engagement offers ‘hope’"
Hope? Really? I’m not sure which offended I should be. Should I interpret this as black women are in such dating despair that this one person’s engagement is our relationship drought savior? Or that black men are such disappointments that black women are praying for a white miracle to save them?
ABC misinterpreted the excitement of a black woman breaking a color boundary. They instead chose to write an article placing a woman’s worth on her relationship status.
“But beyond the fanciful achievement, Markle’s moment also points to a dearth of positive examples when it comes to black women on the world’s stage.” This sentence belongs to someone like Keisha Lance Bottoms, not someone who is upgrading her relationship. I mean, don’t get me wrong I’m happy for her! I’m happy for any and all women of all races who become engaged, but she did just that, She got engaged. That’s not that difficult of a task. Granted she gets difficulty points for marrying royalty, but let’s not get out of hand.
What’s worse is you have a black woman’s words supporting such malarkey. We already have everyone else against black love, we don't need to fight among ourselves. Just to put it int to perspective how the world makes light of black couples, I went to Unsplash.com, typed in black couples in order to find a picture for this post and had THEE hardest time finding pictures of a black man and a black woman.
I’m not sure if she misunderstood what they were writing about or if her sentences were taken out of context, but comparing Meghan Markle to Michelle Obama is like comparing Cardi B to Corretta Scott King. They both did some cool things, but they aren’t really breaking any important glass ceilings. Then ABC tries to take away the “accomplishment” by downgrading Markle’s blackness and stating that she rarely claims her African American heritage. If that’s the case, what’s the point of the article ABC?
I understand that people feel like there aren’t good men or women out there based on the experience of a couple thousand, but there are millions of great men and women who are married, dating, and just all around great people looking for the right one. I don't know I could be in my feelings ya'll. Check out the article here and let me know what you think.
In this post we will home safety tips and home safety products that you can use to keep your home safe and secure.
New Holiday Crime Trend
It’s that time again, when people are letting down their guards for the holidays and the no good nicks are preying upon their niceness. Every year criminals try new and creative tactics to try and defraud/rob unsuspecting people of their hard earn cash and goods. This year they seem to become more emboldened in their tactics. Bordering home invasion (actually it probably is home invasion) criminals are working together in sets of 2 or more teams to run a criminal gambit. In one scenario, one person approaches your front door as if they are in need of something but hidden out of sight is some type of weapon used to force themselves into the home, while another person follows up moments later to assist the main person with the robbery.
In another instance, one person is a normal passerby who approaches your door unarmed posing as an innocent bystander while the other armed assailants are hiding out of sight waiting to pounce. As you see, people are becoming more clever in their tactics and unfortunately can cost us not only our holiday cheer but our lives. It is imperative that we take additional steps to secure our home safety and to ensure that this holiday season remains joyous and fun! In this post I will give you 5 ways to help add safety around the home and give you some piece of mind.
5 Home Safety Tips
1. Install Home Security video
If you look at the pictures and links in this blog you will see that these criminals were caught by using home security cameras. These wireless home security cameras can be hidden in high areas to avoid anyone from tampering with the camera. Sometimes criminals will try to tape the camera lens or spray paint it with a dark paint in efforts to conceal their identities, so it’s important to make sure these are well hidden. A great type of security camera are the doorbell cameras which adds an additional level of security as most people do not know who has these cameras. I know you may think it will cost you an arm and a leg, but on sites like Amazon.com you can find good quality security cameras for as low as $30.
2. Know Your Visitor
I have a strict home security policy. If you don’t call before you come over, there is a very good chance that you may not be able to get into my house. 1. It’s just common courtesy to call and 2. I may not be home and I hate to waste other people’s time. With that being said, I rarely get random visitors who visit my home unannounced. If I do happen to have a visitor and I’m home alone, I won’t answer it. Unless my pit bull is in the house, and he is always sitting on ready.
If you look out your window and you don’t know whom is at your door, and you don’t feel comfortable opening the door, you can do 1 of two things. 1. Not answer the door and just watch them, or 2. communicate through an intercom. (Old school tip, use the upstairs window to watch or speak to the visitor.) I know people sell things in the neighborhood and you can always ask them for a number or website if you are interested and then contact them a bit later when you are ready. If you feel any type of uncomfortable, do not answer the door.
No matter how sad or urgent they act, if you do not know them you cannot afford to put yourself at risk. If they need an emergency vehicle for help, call it for them. If they truly need help, they will not care how the police are called, just that they have been called. I would recommend to have a peep hole if you do not have one or try getting an intercom so that you can speak to visitors without having to open your door.
3. Storm Doors Are Great
If you are a homeowner, you should have security storm doors or screens that go over top your regular doors. These add an extra level of protection to your home. People have to remove this door, to get to your main door which would normally cause some unusual noises alerting you to potential intruders. It's also a great way to screen who comes to your door without having your main door wide open. These doors can be a simple screen with glass that lock from the inside or they can be made of sturdy iron bars that are suppose to discourage intruders. I normally lock those doors at night on top of locking my main door. It is like an extra home security measure that makes me feel a bit safer.
4. Get a dog
Now I know many people may not be able to get a dog, or even like dogs. However, dogs are freaking awesome. Not only are they great companions, but they are great security additions because they can offer several different ways to keep you safe. When people approach your property the dog can and will alert you, which decreases the risk of criminals sneaking on to your premise. They can also be a great deterrent for some based on the breed of dog that you have. If you have a large dog with an even larger bark, this alone can scare off intruders as many are scare of a dog's bite.(Totally makes sense.) Finally, many dogs have a natural desire to protect their property. If someone does enter your home unlawfully, they will be very surprised by what your trusty companion may do next.
5. Get Protected
Today, protection is very easy to come by and it doesn't always have to be guns. Not everyone is comfortable with owning and handling guns and that is okay. There are numerous weapons options to help protect yourself on the go and your home. Some options that are available to those who want to protect themselves have been created specially for women. One that I highly recommend is the Damsel in Defense product line. This company and it's individual consultants offer various forms of protection such as stun guns and pepper spray, with an emphasis on female protection. Some of the weapons are very discreet, but very easy to use when the time comes. Check out www.mydamselpro.net/TEQUIA for more on their awesome affordable products.
Safety is number one for the Single Gal and should be taken seriously at all times. What are ways that you will protect yourself against home invasions this holiday season?
Be long winded and Honest- Don’t you hate those people who keep talking and talking, and you can’t get a word in edge wise? Then what do you do? Avoid them and certain topics because you don’t want to be caught up in that hurricane. Make sense right? Be that person! Be that long winded talker that makes people want to stay farrr away from the subject. Tell them all the unexciting nuances of dating and use that Ben Stein voice to really drive it home. Your boring story coupled with their recent ingestion of Tryptophan, will have them running away from.
Men hate this. They hate Steve Harvey for bringing it up and they hate women for adding this into their repertoire of “ways to torture men prior to putting out”. Some men feel that it is because it shows you are playing games. Some men think you are being stingy, aka, “what would happened if they waited 90 days before they spent money on you?”(Because women are all about money, I guess...) Some feel that this isn’t an adequate way to really tell if he’s here for you. Some guys will play the role for 90 days and still leave. Here’s my personal belief: Guys don’t like it because they have to wait for something they want right now. They have to put a little more effort to get it, when honestly they were just hoping for it within the first week or two. (some cocky guys say the first night. But you know, F**k them.) I do agree with men on some of their viewpoints. A man could play the role, take your goodies and run. However, in my years of research, hearing other stories, and understanding human emotions, is waiting a period of time really that bad?
How to Trick a Man into Commitment with Sex
Ha! Jokes on you, you can’t trick a man! Maybe into a physical relationship but that’s about it. I’ve learned you can’t trick a man into being with you. Either he will want you or he doesn’t. So if you are looking to hold the nookie over his head in hopes of a relationship, you will fail girlfriend. You may be able to keep him entertained a bit longer, but you shouldn’t try to coerce a relationship. Just doesn’t work. There are times when you can give it up day 1 and if he really likes you then he may stay around longer. Some men won’t care when you give it up. If he genuinely digs who you are, he will stay and that is great! The problem is the unknown factor. If I give this up, will you still want me? If I give this up, will the calls stop? If I give this up will you think I’m a h*e? All valid questions but since you can’t gauge whether he stays or goes, maybe there really isn’t a point in waiting.
Waiting to Bump Uglies isn’t for Him
Don’t look at waiting as a way to test if he’s legit or not. (There are many other tests for that, believe you me!) Waiting to jump in the sack is for YOU. You know how many chicks out here are screaming my baby daddy ain’t ish? Or, the many T.V. shows (like who The Bleep Did I Marry!) where chicks knew the guy for an hour, had a baby by him and he’s a mass murderer? Now, yes those instances are a little extreme, but just rock with me for a second. Sex, (specifically good sex) will cloud your judgment. Make you put up with things waaaayyyy longer than you wanted to. Make you turn a blind eye to certain flags because he made you hit that ‘Oh’. What?!?!? You didn’t see was that he really sucks when it comes to decision making? What?!!?!? You didn’t see that his family members are horrible people? Take your time. You find out things that will ultimately let you know his character and if he's a dude you even want to deal with. Women tend to love nice things being said but fail to ensure that the action should back up the words. When you take a second to really get to know the guy you met at the bar, you'll learn that he may not be the stand up fella that he portrayed on IG. This dude initially told you he had a 3 bedroom house but since you made him wait, you’ve found out that he lives with his babymom’s who believes he is in a committed relationship with her. (Yikes!)
We jump into bed way too quickly before we find out more about this person. Then after we make the mistakes, and find out who he truly is, who do we blame? HIM! True, he sucks, but the decision to allow him to enter our bodies (unless otherwise) is our choice. We can’t keep sleeping with crappy dudes, who do crappy things, because of our crappy choices and throw the “men ain’t ish” feedback. When in actuality, had we sat our hot tails in some cold water (or called our emergency pipe layer over) we would have seen that he has no drive. That he really isn’t active in his children’s lives. That his personality is really unbearable. That all those really weird things you peeped him doing was because he was really a serial killer.( Sorry men I keep coming back to that, but do ya’ll not read the news??)
How Long Should I Wait?
I don’t have a set timeline for how long you should wait. Obviously, there are caveats and variables that may make the whole situation different for each individual. What I’m getting at ladies is no man will ever say to you “Girl, don’t sleep with me. You know I ain’t schit.” That just won’t happened. That’s like Trump admitting that he’s wrong, it’ll never happen. Unlike the guys who are pressing you for sex, I recognize that women have more to think about when it comes to bedroom antics. So take your time and do it when it feels right for YOU. If it’s 90 minutes, 90 hours, 90 days, 90 months, WHATEVER! Wait until you personally feel comfortable enough to let him in. If he leaves, he leaves. What’s for you is for you and no one can take it from you. Don’t feel forced or pressured to give it up, because Lord knows it sucks to have a body on your count whom was truly not worth it.
Listen to yourself ladies and follow your intuition. How long would you wait before you gave it up?
Too often we make big decisions off of our current emotions. We jump to conclusions and it can cost us some big things. Relationships, friendships, jobs. I remember my mother told me about a girl who was her ace, but they stopped talking suddenly. Later she found out that during the conversation she had with my mother, the lady was offended because my mom laughed at something that maybe she shouldn’t have laughed at. Instead of reaching out and saying, “Hey, it hurt my feelings when…” she instead just stop talking to her. That’s it.
ome of you know some “good” guys right now. These are good guys who you just don’t have a connection with. These are decent guys who will love you to death but you just aren’t that into them. Yet, because you think it’s better to have a good man that loves you more than you love him. With this thought process, you aren’t loving him the way that you would love him if he was your best friend or you had a stronger connection. This to me is what settling is. You aren’t excited about this man and though he will make a great partner, you are just basically using him for the marriage. You are using him so you won’t miss your chance for babies or your chance to be a wife. My dear, no one wants to be used.
veryone has the right to be scared of anything. Dust, flies, bullets, whatever it is, you own it. However, it is unreasonable fears like this that have cost people decent humanity, respect, and at times, their lives. It didn't seem like this man was taunting her, threatening her, or even menacing. She never expressed that he said anything to her or did anything else menacing other than just being behind her in the store on several occasions.
People Never Forget- Keke and her husband may wake up tomorrow and decide to work it all out. Now it’s too late. She’ll want to move forward and get on with her life, but everyone who saw it will still bring it up more often than she will. It’ll be 10 years later and people will still say “so you and your man still getting a divorce?” Messy a** people will say this at the most inconvenient times, like at your mother’s funeral. You know, rude schit like that.
1. Listen to understand, not to rebut- When we participate in conversations with other people, it can be enjoyable. But sometimes, we don't truly understand what they are saying to us. We listen to parts and pieces but because we are ready to hurry up and be heard, we miss a lot of what they are saying. You may even try to cut them off with your response, but because you are so focused on what you want to say next or trying to craft an “amazing” comeback, you may miss key points of the issue. I know it might be a challenge, but sit still, clear your mind, and wait until they finish their whole thought. It may explain what you were going to say or even answer your question entirely. Not to mention people will be happy that you sat and listened to their point of view.
Originally from Calfornia, Gisselle talked about being very connected with not only her Bolivian culture but the indigenous ancestry that makes up for almost 60 percent of Bolivian heritage. Celebrations with family and friends as well as the style of dress are just a few things that make Gisselle so proud of her culture. Matched with a desire to deepen her connection to her roots, Gisselle lived in Bolivia briefly, taking part in day to day Bolivian activities.
Why he just won’t leave you alone
Sometimes I like to get a little smutty and watch love and hip hop. I mean I deal with real life all the time and sometimes I need a little messiness to remind me that it could be worse. On the other hand sometimes there are story lines that aren’t messy, but very relateable. One of the more believable and less petty story lines was Tammy and Waka’s separation situation.
Waka was on tour cheating with some scallywags and his wife put him out. (yass Tammy!) No, she hadn’t divorced him but she was making her point known. This isn’t the first time Waka had cheated on a dime like Tammy but I’m assuming it was really bad this time. In efforts to try and make things right with Tammy because he knew he was wrong (Like most people who never thought they were wrong prior), he shows up to Tammy’s home with his bags. Tammy was open to talks about getting back together, but just that; Talks. Tammy opened the door and sees Waka with his bags, like he was about to do something. She tells him to leave his bags at the door (go Tammy!) and then tells him he can come in for a little bit. She goes to her very lavish kitchen (I’m straight hating!) and says to him my favorite line and what women want to ask men who keep coming back after they have screwed up;
“Why are you heerre?? With your Bagggs???
I guarantee you that many of us have had that man who keeps playing with our emotions and coming back with their “bags” (testicles, tee hee) trying to make it right. Shoot this isn’t his first or second time. This man is a habitual come backer. It seems like his goal is to stop you from being great by going down memory lane and saying to let things go. At this point you are 100% sure he doesn’t love you. I mean if he did, would he mess up this many times? I mean, it’s a lot. We are adults and even a child can learn a lesson, but you are telling me this grown a** man can’t? I call bullish Oprah.
So if he doesn’t truly love you and he doesn’t want to marry you, why is he wasting your time?
I have a few reasons, let’s talk gal.
- Because you keep allowing it-His relationship with ol girl didn’t work. He’s hurting. D*ck's a little bummed out. He needs someone who knows him and who he is comfortable with, and baby you are on that list. What’s really bad is that you keep hoping for more so you keep accepting it. He’s a creature of habit and as long as you keep accepting his habits, he’s going to keep coming back. It’s like feeding a bear. Once they have identified a food source, they keep coming back until there is an obstruction preventing it from eating there again. Don’t feed the bear.
- He’s comfortable- We touched on that a little bit but let me dive in deeper. Some people don’t like having to get to know someone new all over again. You have to learn what they like and they have to learn what you like. You have to learn someone’s body if you want to please them versus just a smash partner. They have grown accustomed to the way you handled things and when other people do it, it’s so foreign. For example, you may iron his socks after they are washed. He thought it was asinine but was like “okay, cool.” The new chick however just throws them in a drawer never to be paired again. (He hates that by the way) Then, there is you, my sweet friend. You know what he likes. You know how to turn him on, what’s his favorite food, and how he likes to be treated in your everyday interactions. It’s just that he doesn’t see you for long term romance due to some ungodly reason. They know you may not be the one but they know that you are decent enough for them to past the time until wifey gets here. They will cuddle with you, watch T.V., do everything one would do in a relationship except marry you.
- You are easy- He doesn’t have to put in much work to get back with you. Ya’ll aren’t in the first stages of dating or getting to know each other. So he doesn’t have to bring out the representative or spend tons of money on dating. He knows how to put it down and he knows, you know how he puts it down. (you little nasty..I ain’t mad). He knows that dudes out here aren’t make you climb the walls like he does, so all he has to do is buy you some grippos, a moon mist fay-go, and turn on Netflix. (I mean you do pay for it, so he’s gonna obviously use that too).
I’m sure there are many other reasons why he keeps coming back with his bags, can you think of any? Let’s sound off!
But it wasn’t for a lack of trying. You see I had tried everything. Everything in the mo fo' sun. I know you are thinking “nuh un, if you did you wouldn’t be single right now.” Now, that is partially true. Let me clarify that I am not single because I’m deficient in something.(or so i'm told) I’m single because it is just not my time.
13 Ways to Uplift Young Women: Hold Then Accountable for Their Mistakes and It Does Get Better
Well if you are reading this either you just happened across this post or you have followed my entire series. Either way it’s totally okay! I’m just glad you came! I didn’t realize how long this series would be and I will probably be more mindful of how long I should let them run. Enough about my mistakes, let’s talk ways to uplift our young women!
Hold Then Accountable for Their Mistakes
Kids are kids. They break things, mess up things, and never can admit that it was their fault. What makes it bad is when these habits aren’t checked as a child and they carry these crazy traits to adulthood. This may be a bit personal for me, but it is just horrible when someone does not want to own up to their mistakes. It makes you someone that no one wants to work with, hire, or just do business with. Furthermore, in looking at accountability you sometimes have to look at yourself and determine "what did I do in this situation? How did we get here?" Mistakes are a part of life, but you must learn from them in order to not repeat them. When people do not admit when they have made a mistake, they go through life thinking the world owes them something and that they are always the victim. Yes, many people have drank and drove, but unfortunately in your situation you ran your mom’s car into a wall. Yes, everyone likes to run with scissors, but you have fallen and created three holes, when there used to be two. Whatever your mistake is, OWN IT! I promise you it will make you a better more respected person overall.
It Does Get Better
It does get better. I promise you it does. Many just can't see it. I had read this story where a teenage young man killed himself online because of immense bullying at school. Unfortunately, the internet is exposing stories like these more and more everyday . I can understand why kids may do this. Kids do not understand the theory of “look towards the future” as well as we do. We havea past and have been blessed to live our future. They are still working on creating their paths. Going to school everyday to be taunted. Always feeling like you’ll never be the popular girl or heck just a cool girl. Not understanding the growths you are facing and just the fact that kids can be mean as schit. I mean they can be some horrid little turds. (no offense to actual turds) The good thing that us adults have learned is that those 4 years of high school is temporary. Most people who were prom queen or king have truly nothing to show for it except for that memory and the dusty awards that sit in their garage. Being the most popular in high school means absolutely nothing in your adult life when you get down to it. And if you are lucky and you push through the pain, discomfort, and awkwardness of high school you may get to witness a small feeling of revenge when you see that the homecoming queen is serving 7-10 for shoplifting used underwear.
So over the past 2 months I have come up with 13 ways to help uplift our young women and hope that they stay on track to make it to their futures. There is no one way to teach our daughters how to love themselves but we know there are at least 13 ways to get her to start!
Taking a week off but come back to our next series, what men really want!
When Being Petty Goes Wrong
In Facebook news, a young woman called her self trying to drag another young lady because of some statements made on Facebook. The young woman in question visited the "stylist" for lemonade braids and left very unsatisfied. She proceeded to put a post on Facebook just generalizing her discontent with her hair style as well as the unprofessionalism of the beautician but she never named any names nor made any references to the beautician who butchered her hair.
However, the beautician got a hold of the post and fired back, but went extra hard using several explicatives such as b*tch and h*e. The hairdresser posted pictures of what the finished hair style looked like to garner support for her argument and proceeded to say that this young woman was a poor customer.
When Being Petty Goes Wrong
When Being Petty Goes Wrong
What the beautician did not realize was that her work would not be heavily praised and was the butt of many Facebook users' jokes. The Facebook users even took it a step further and visited the young lady's Facebook business page giving her overwhelming ratings of "1" as well as reasons as to why she is a poor hairstylist. In the comments there are sprinkles of positivity and other people encouraging her to get better at her craft, however most people are running her through the negative gauntlet.
When Being Petty Goes Wrong
When Being Petty Goes Wrong
There is one speck of positivity for the "hair stylist" in question, her business page had about 100 to 200 likes and now has expanded to around 9500 likes. I guess controversy is a good way to market your business.
Nothing big is happening but I’m meeting more people and connecting. I didn’t know how to do it or the best way to do it, but I’ve been going to events around the city (and state) meeting new people. Haven’t balled out in sales but just meeting and getting asked to do other events is something pretty cool! This evening I’m going to the Kingdom Image Awards tonight where they will have Kevonstage hosting. If you don’t know who he is, he is a youtuber who often makes clean comedic videos about his views on various situations. So I am looking forward to it trying to make something shake as the funds are running low and things are getting tight. Baby steps I keep thinking to myself. I have figured out where I really want to go with my online store. I feel that my net was too widely cast, so now, I have a better idea of where I want to go which is a relief! Right now, it is just a waiting game…….
13 Ways to Uplift Young Women: Teach them about Respect and Quality Relationships/Friendships
One more week and the series is over!!! A long one indeed but necessary all the same! What are we talking about this week? Learning respect and seeing quality relationship/friendships.
Respect for others is nice, but I meant it more so as for respect for oneself. As you go back in time, the internet was not something that we always had access to. However, it appears that although this is a wonderful invention, it is another way for us to show our a**. IG, Facebook, Twitter, Snapchat, etc., etc. So many different ways to talk to the same dang people and so much more ways to get in trouble. Young women are putting themselves in compromising positions online for the sake of likes and expression, but don’t understand that this age, this moment, this feeling is temporary. You will not always be 16,17,18 years old. However, what you put online is forever. Things your employers can pull up, your future children, and don’t even think about doing politics. (well, actually…..) The things you put out into the world can come back and do great harm and damage to you. The choices you make today can alter your path in the future. The other part to respect is how you carry yourself in public. Unfortunately, (and sometimes fortunately) people will judge your entire life based on how you look and act. I see many young women walking around with their boobs out and their bottoms out, which I honestly am not super against. If you got it flaunt it right? However, be mindful that if you dress like a lady of the night you will likely be treated like a lady of the night. (aka a H*e ladies. You will be treated like a h*e. I was trying to be subtle about the situation) This reminds me of a comment that Dave Chappelle made years ago in his stand up. If someone runs up to a police officer and says I’ve just been robbed please help me! He may say “Ohhhh I’m not an officer! I just like to dress up like one!” LMAO I mean you had to see it, I know I butchered the comment, but in my head schit was hilarious! All I’m saying is that people are watching and perceptions run everyone’s lives, regardless of it is true or not. Carry yourself with respect and you will gain a lot more of it.
I will say a lot of us come from broken homes. Lack of proper role models (male and females) and many divorces have littered and obscured our views on proper relationships/friendships. Another issue is that people don’t know how to interact with other people. We don’t realize that friendships are like relationships. There is give and take involved. You can’t just always have it your way and then only compromise when you want to compromise. If young women never see good relationships/friendships they unfortunately never know how to have one themselves. I remember growing up my grandmother always told me not to have a lot of female friends or she didn’t have friends because women are jealous and sneaky. Sometimes she was right, but that’s people in general. A shady person is a shady person. But what my grandma (God love her) didn’t realize was that she was planting the seed of "friendships cannot work with other women, so don’t even try." Fortunately, I also listen to myself and I’ve had the same friends since I was 14 years old. These are women who are strong, bright, funny, and most importantly they love me for who I am. (Kudos ladies, I know that’s tough!) Friendship is important to help you through the bad, share with the good, and learn from it all. I learned so much from my friends that I credit them for helping me grow from my teenage years to an adult.
Relationships are just as important for a young woman. What she sees is most likely what she seeks. Be it consciously or subconsciously. If she comes from dysfunction she more than likely will seek dysfunction. If she comes from a home where she had a strong male role model, she’ll want a man who treated her like her father did. (Which I hope is well!) Leaving young girls to learn what a good man is and what he is not can lead to all kinds of roadblocks. She'll date deadbeats, losers, low self-esteem, etc. She'll make poor mate decisions that can lead to issues down the road and ultimately take her off her path. However, a good relationship will show her what she should expect in her life. It will show her what’s healthy and appropriate. Too many toxic relationships are creating toxic mindsets that are putting these young women in toxic situations.
Ready for one more round?
Check me out for the final conclusion in our “13 Ways series!”
For Further Reading
13 Ways: Encourage being unique and Expose to new experiences
13 Ways to uplift young women: Become a Mentor and listen to them
Someone once said that good fathers are hard to come by. They said it as a compliment to a guy who was killing it as a father. But honestly, it was an back handed compliment. Similar to the age old comment of “you are so cute for a dark skinned girl, big girl, etc.” It comes from the notion that males and specifically minority males do not look after their young nor are a strong force in their child’s lives. That many children are running around without a male role model. I often tell the story that my father wasn’t in my life as I grew up. He would show up when he wanted to and would pick up our interaction like nothing had changed. It wasn’t until I was about 14 years old that my mom starting dating Fothen “Mr. Bernie” Jennings who would ultimately become the role model that I didn’t want, but so desperately needed. He raised the standard high when it came to dating (which could be why I’m still single, lol) and he showed me how to interact with men. You see, women learn from other women how to interact with men. That’s like dogs learning from dogs on how to interact with tigers. It just doesn’t make sense. Because of what I learned from him, I learned how to speak to men in the manner that they deserve. This is a whole other story that many will not understand but in due time we will explore it! (Oh we sho nuff will). However, the main point I wanted to make is that there are not only tons of great minority fathers out there, but there are also men who are willing to step in and take the place of absentee fathers. I found a few fathers who were willing to take the time and answer a few of my questions in regards to what fathers meant to them and how it impacts their ability to parent today.
George Lee – Amazing Poet, lover of the arts, and all around good guy!
The biggest lesson I learned was that there is nothing more precious than time spent with your child and making memories. I say this because as an adult it is those memories that sometimes when reflected on has brightened many of my days. One significant memory (sic with my dad) would be when he would play baseball at the playground at the end of our street with my friends and I. I would want my father to know how much of what he was to me means to me as an adult. Fatherhood is important to me because it gives me a stage to be an example to my son of what a man can and should be.
James Hogan, Owner of JHogan Fit systems and man with a plan.
The biggest lesson that I learned from my father was the value of hard work. My father worked for the same company for over 35 years and he always encouraged me to work hard for my goals and dreams. He supported my many money making ideas. My father worked hard so that my sisters and I would never want for anything. My favorite memories of my father are of him being on the side line at my many track and wrestling tournaments. One in particular was when I was in 7th or 8th grade. I was running the 800m dash and around lap two I was beginning to get tired. As I came around the turn, I saw my father by the gate and I could hear his voice cheering me on. Just seeing him gave me the motivation I needed to not give up and complete the race. I would want my dad to know that I appreciate each and every thing he has done. I may not have been grateful at the time but as I got older I started tounderstand the reasons. Now being a father myself I truly can appreciate the sacrifice of time money and how important your love and encouragement is to a son. Fatherhood is important to me because I believe that children are a blessing from God. Psalm 127:3 says all “Children are a heritage from the Lord, Offspring a reward from him." Fatherhood is such a blessing! I have never felt such joy and peace within myself. I feel that my life is complete with my son, daughter, and wife, I am blessed that the Lord has chosen me to nurture and raise two of his angels.
Emilio Bacigalupo, Father of 3, Realtor, and Finance Manager
If there is a lesson I picked up from my Father is that consistency and persistent is key of success to anything in life. As a child I used to think it was him being stubborn however as an adult raising three children, I now see it as him being consistent and persistent with us to succeed in life. I remember taking multiple drives to NYC in my early teens, just my dad and me. My dad would say it’s just to keep him awake but as I got older, I saw it bonding time, just catching up on conversation seeing what going on in my life and having a real father son relationship. I do this with my oldest son now. I would want my father to know that he had/has a major role in my life (more than what he will ever know) in everyday things like how to me a good husband, father, worker ETC. Even today, I’m still very observant on how he handles himself around my mother and sisters. I used to think he was soft around my sisters but know that I have a daughter of my own; I understand where he is coming from. Fatherhood is important because it’s you shaping the path for your children, setting the examples for your children so that when they come to a cross roads, they will make the right choices in life. Its knowing you’ve done all/right thing for your children so that when they leave the nest, you as a parent won’t have fears and doubts as they go out to make their own path in life.
Father's Day:Father's reflect on their Father's and Roles
Charles Ivery, Film Director, Computer Technician, Natural Born Hustler
The biggest lesson I learned from my father was that I learned from his mistakes so I took another path. He wanted me to work at the post office which is what he did and he was very unhappy. Because he was unfulfilled with his life it led him to drug addiction. The biggest memory I have about my father was how he handled drama and adversity. My father never put his hands on a woman no matter how much she yelled, screamed, or provoked him, so he never had an emotional response. His response was always logical with deep thought and understanding. I would want my father to know that even though we had a lot of challenges and differences between us, he was a great father who taught me it was possible to be cool and smart as he was the valedictorian of West High School graduating class 1972. Fatherhood is extremely important because all children need a balance from mother and father. As a child gets older, one can have a full understanding of yourself if you are able to study both of your parents. When I look at myself and not understand why I am a certain way, I can always see what parent I got that trait from and how that trait can be good or bad for myself. I really feel that father's roles have definitely been marginalized because of the high divorce rate and of all of the children born out of wedlock but it is very important that a child receives love from both sides as a template for future relationships. It truly does take a village to raise a child, and I would be a completely different person if it wasn't for me knowing my dad's side of the family and all the lessons learned from them.
Although Father's Day was a week ago, we must continue to show and support all of our fathers when those in the media will not!
Happy Extended Father's Day!!
The great thing about doubt is that he is only able to speak when defenses are down and I listen to him. So when I wake up the next day, I’m back to being clear and me.
13 Ways to Uplift Young Women: Celebrate Their Triumphs and a Good Male Role Model
You made it back! Yay! Thank God for small miracles! Last week we talked about why being unique and exposing to new experiences can be important to a young woman. The link is below if you have missed it! Now let's focus on celebrating triumphs and why a good male role model matters!
Celebrate Her Triumphs!
I like to celebrate good things! No matter how small or how unimportant the success may be, I need to celebrate in some form or fashion. Either it’s an energetic “yay!” or maybe a nice gift to commemorate the event. Whatever the way, I like to celebrate people’s smalls successes. We live in a world where some people do not care about what you do or what you have. They don't care if you do well but will be the first ones to let you know if you did something wrong. If one only hears negativity on a consistent basis, why would they ever desire to excel? Because when they did their best and they failed, people harped more on the fact that they failed versus that they tried at all. Not to mention people have become desensitized to positive achievements and instead of thinking "what can I do better to be better", they would rather make you feel as though you are not that special.(Jerks!) But you are! If people take the time to downplay your achievements, they weren't for you anyway. They never expected you to grow because they could not grow themselves. Young women need those voices of celebration because so many would rather keep you in misery than for you to expand your horizons.
13 Ways to Uplift Young Women: Celebrate Their Triumphs a Good Male Role Mode
Give Her a Good Male Role Model
Growing up without a good male role model can be detrimental to a young woman's growth. What's worse, many adult women believe that a woman does not need males as she grows up which is farthest from the truth! She may not be a man, but she will interact with men all through her life. She will have to learn who is for her and who isn't. She must learn who has her best interests at heart versus who has her lady kat in mind. (I just have to say it like this! Lady Kat. Use it!) When she finally does meet someone she wants to be in a relationship with, she has to learn how to effectively communicate with him and understand man's mental state. Women may think they know how to teach women about men, but they are the masters at it. Just as I do not believe a man is an expert on women, women aren't the experts on men. Women will teach what they feel a man should be and do, not how they truly are. Although we may be on the receiving end of getting game ran on us, often times it is not 'game' we just don't know how to listen to what he says and implement a new action plan based on what he said. But who can share that with her? I know! A good male role model!
13 Ways to Uplift Young Women: Celebrate Their Triumphs a Good Male Role Mode
Another point is that many young girls will be seeking affection from men. When they aren't taught how a man should interact with them, they will take what they can get based on what they think they should receive. Many young girls' ideas of love and romance are based off of what they initially see with couples they know and what they see from watching tv shows like Pretty Little Liars.
It isn't real, nor scripted. Once they see that love doesn't work out like they had hoped, it can often be way too late and may find themselves in some sticky situations. Males are crucial to her self-esteem and reinforcing that she is beautiful. She learns that she doesn't have to accept whatever treatment that is given to her by the male sex. When she understands that she can do better and should do better, she will do better.
Tired of my series yet? Well I'm not! lol Next week we are moving into encourage their ideas and the importance of respect!
13 Ways to uplift young women: Become a Mentor and listen to them
In this week’s post on 13 ways to uplift young women I want to talk about the importance of Encouraging them to Be Unique and why exposing them to new experiences can do wonders to a young girl’s self-esteem.
Encouraging them to be unique
I am not normal. I know that. My mom knows this, my friends know this, and once you meet me you will know this. I’m just different and weird. When I was younger I don’t think this was a plus to me, because I wanted to be popular. Being popular to a teenage girl can be viewed as the holy grail of high school excellence. To know that everyone likes you and want to hang out with you is pretty sweet! Not to mention the perks you get if you are in the 'in-crowd'. You don’t miss out on the good times that happen outside of school or the good stories. If you can just make yourself a likable person, you have it made. But we all know that life is not like that. I didn’t get to go to all the cool functions. I wasn’t mega popular but I was known. Known as a weirdo with big lips and a big butt. Oh lawd the big butt! People had to talk about it, make you feel insecure about it.
Every now and then you may get someone who makes you feel real good about it! There was a young lady named Diondra and I thought at times she could be a bit mean but overall she was pretty cool. One day she stopped me and she said “If you can just give me just a little bit of that butt! That’s all I need girl!” Now I know what you are thinking, “that seemed pretty homos*xual.” And if we were both gay, I would totally agree. However, it was more from a place of “Dang girl! You got so much behind and I have none. I wish I had a little bit of what you have so I could have a nice round bubble.” Though it was a joke, when you constantly hear people say your 'butt is big' in disgust, the one time you hear words of empowerment it stays with you. This was about 17 years ago, so yes, as silly as the comment was, it meant something to me.
Now, look at the trends! What do people want? Big butts and big lips! I went through high school naturally possessing these traits and chicks are dying (literally) to look like me! (Pretty cool I must say!) I don’t think I completely accepted who I was until my late 20’s. Now today I own everything that I am, and I love it! I like being different because it makes me memorable. I like being unique because I stand out. Had I known then what I knew now, I would have strutted around extra proud! Young girls have a hard time being unique because it’s not ‘cool’. If there isn’t a strong role model to reinforce that they shouldn’t run with the crowd, then they can fall into a heap of trouble. We all know that just because you are a homecoming/prom queen in high school, doesn’t mean schit once you get into the real world. Our job is to show these young girls that being different is truly special and though others may not quite get you, in the grand scheme of things, they truly do not matter.
Expose to new Experiences
When I was in elementary school I went to the local school called Broadleigh Elementary. It was cool. I don’t remember too much, a lot more black students and a normal inner city school. But I don’t remember doing things that made me think outside the box. My 4th-grade year my mom sent me to Berwick. It was an alternative school and in a better neighborhood than the old school. (Slightly better for the record). I was happy cause my mom was happy but I was accustomed to my previous school so why change? Well, this school was sooo different! We had a mascot! It was a chinchilla! And it was alive!!! We had talent shows, we had school trips, we went out of town! We went camping! We did so much! I mean it was a pretty awesome school. As I grew older I expected my schools to be of this caliber and If they weren’t I went out my way to find things that caught my attention. It was something about knowing that there is more out there than what I was currently seeing that made me want to try new things. I also started noticing that the other kids didn’t really try anything new because their parents never tried anything new. Looking back, those kids are still in a broken inner city cycle while the kids who went to the school with better opportunities excelled in being very successful. When kids see that there is more to life than what they are currently seeing, they will strive to get more. Sometimes they don’t realize that you don’t have to be a baby’s momma or you don’t have to be a meth head. This crappy situation you may be
Looking back, those kids are still in a broken inner city cycle while the kids who went to the school with better opportunities excelled in being very successful. When kids see that there is more to life than what they are currently seeing, they will strive to get more. Sometimes they don’t realize that you don’t have to be a baby’s momma or you don’t have to be a meth head. This crappy situation you may be in is temporary. I love taking people to try new things or exposing them to new ideas. It’s like a small glimpse of satisfaction because you showed them something that in their mind never existed! Then when they begin to learn that there are new things to explore, their creative thoughts start to flow and next thing you know, you have yourself a successful young woman.
Thank you so much for hanging with me with this series! Next week we are going to cover why you should be there for their triumphs and the importance of having a good male figure present!
For Further Reading:
13 Ways to uplift young women: Become a Mentor and listen to them
13 Ways to Uplift Young Women: Volunteering your time and Share the Tough lessons