Lessons from the Mindy Project: Are You Really in Love with Him or the Idea of Marriage?
I am a Mindy Show watcher. I love her crazy, over the top ways. I also enjoy her constant reference to always eating and her love of pop culture. I can’t fully relate to Mindy’s personality, but I can relate to her over her single gal struggle. Things like finding your place in this world while struggling to find someone to tolerate your quirks. However, in Mindy's case, she struck out and found a great guy to marry her. After many failed relationships, Mindy found a handsome, divorced, single father of one, who wanted to marry her because…well, he loved all of her quirky nuances. Unfortunately, this marriage did not last long. Ben (Mindy’s soon to be ex), realized that Mindy was not really in love with him, but loved the idea of marriage and the fact that he was a “good” guy. (Got a blog coming up on Good Guys. So keep a watch!) Mindy agreed, (what?????) and they both decided to get a divorce.
First of all, let me say that this is why some guys aren’t so quick to jump into the marriage life. Both sexes don’t like heartbreak, but for men, this seems to cut them a bit deeper than women. We are more likely to forgive and move on. (Though we don’t heal which is why our ish still doesn't work when we move on.) Some men will see this as a failure and when it comes to falling in love again drag their feet or don’t want to get married because of what happened previously when they did give their heart to someone. Not saying that we should p*ssy foot around and avoid breaking hearts by doing extreme things. However, in Mindy’s situation, she knew that she wasn’t looking to marry him. She knew that he was a good guy, but she was so caught up in the idea of having a nice wedding and being a wife that she never truly thought, “is this something I really want?”
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This is reason #94 why I created the Single Gal Guide. Not just so that you can build yourself up, (which I’m glad you are doing!! :)) but also so that you can calm the fuq down. Some of you know some “good” guys right now. These are good guys who you just don’t have a connection with. These are decent guys who will love you to death but you just aren’t that into them. Yet, because you think it’s better to have a good man that loves you more than you love him. With this thought process, you aren’t loving him the way that you would love him if he was your best friend or you had a stronger connection. This to me is what settling is. You aren’t excited about this man and though he will make a great partner, you are just basically using him for the marriage. You are using him so you won’t miss your chance for babies or your chance to be a wife. My dear, no one wants to be used.
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You may say, “Miss Champagne B, I can grow to love him! Isn’t that all that matters? That he’s a good man?”. If this was the time period when there were no social media sites, travel was increasingly difficult to do and arranged marriages were the norm, I would say there are no issues. However, there are many reasons why marrying for the sake of marriage and having a good guy on board will just take you down the road of divorce.
If you aren’t attracted to him, he’s going suffer from lack of b**ty- I hate sleeping with people I’m not attracted to. So much so, that I actually don’t sleep with people I’m not attracted to. (Funny how that works right?) When there isn’t attraction you aren’t as hyped when it comes to putting it down in the bedroom. You want to hurry up and get it over with or you start getting “headaches.” At first he may be cool with your lack of attention in the bedroom but eventually, he’s going to see that you aren’t that impressed with his bedroom prowess. He may start asking you what he can do to make it better, which is nothing. (Unless he can be someone completely different.) Once that thrill in the bedroom is gone for him, that eye starts to wonder and you’ll be thinking “How did this happen!??!”
You are more likely to cheat- When you are with someone just because they are a good person and not because you genuinely want to be with them, it’s easier for you to lose the temptation game. One day, Dustin St. Jock is going to come up to you and hit you with some great conversation. Some amazing chemistry. That lovely attraction. He’s going to tell you how attractive you are and give you those butterflies in your stomach. He’s going to have you floating in the air and out your drawers. Then next thing you know, you've done cheated on this good man. Woowwww! How could you!
You’ll give ‘meh’ effort-You ever get a job that you weren't really feeling but you needed it because you have these things called bills? You aren’t trying to get fired but you aren’t motivated to work harder at a job that you really aren’t feeling. I mean you get cool stuff like snacks and other rewards, but at the end of the day, your heart isn’t into it. So what do you do? You half a** it. You do just enough to not be a poor performer, but you know that you would do way more if this job was truly fulfilling. Yet you appreciate the job because they give you money and benefits. See what I did there? Y'all fill in the comparison because I’m dropping the mic at this point.
Do I think chemistry can grow? I believe something has to be there already, but you will already know this prior to getting married. I’m not saying this just for your sake but also for the benefit of good men around the world. Do not drag their hearts through the mud just because you need to meet your biological deadline. They deserve that love just like you do. So ask yourself, are you ready for something more with this person because you want to be married someday? Or do you want something more with this person because you genuinely love who they are and want to build something substantial?
Let me know what you think!