It’s that bitter sweet time of year again. On one hand you get tons of days off and great food, but then you are constantly reminded that you are single. (and maybe childless). Then you have to compete with that sister/cousin/family friend who has it “all together” inciting other people to ask, “see, *** has it together, you better take notes”. Ohhh Aunt Sheila,! You are just a shade grenade!
Unfortunately people do not understand that your clock isn’t on their time and 9 out of 10, they do not realize they are being intrusive. They feel that they are making polite conversation with you and do not think it’s a big deal. Also. because society expects most people to be married by their 30’s, people use that as a barometer to gauge yours and their lives.
Do not be bothered by these questions and inquiries, be proactive. 70% of the time people aren’t trying to be shady when they ask you about your personal life. However, they are nosy as hell. How does one cope with the impending and dreadful holiday inquisitions that may play on your insecurities or better yet your nerves? Here are a few tips to keep your single woman head firm on your shoulders and your sharp tongue in it’s sheath.
Prep yourself ahead of time- Some of you know who is going to be that person to make it their personal duty to get in your relationship business. Try to anticipate what they may ask and have a general statement practiced. For instance, if you know Aunt Ruthie May is going to ask, “where’s my great nephew?”, tell Aunt Ruthie May “I’m waiting on God to bring the right one.” Let me tell you, when you hit anyone with the “Waiting on God” phrase, most people will not fight back against that one. I mean, what, you’re going to force God to find you a man? Good luck with that sinner.
Change the Subject- This is the best thing I’ve found to keep people out my life. When people start moseying their way into your business, drop some pop culture news or talk about something controversial. Like, “Ya’ll heard that thing about Terry Crews? What ya’ll think?” That’ll get people talking and up out of your business. And if you play your cards right, a fight might break out! Oh, that’s not how your family works? Oh, my bad.
Be long winded and Honest- Don’t you hate those people who keep talking and talking, and you can’t get a word in edge wise? Then what do you do? Avoid them and certain topics because you don’t want to be caught up in that hurricane. Make sense right? Be that person! Be that long winded talker that makes people want to stay farrr away from the subject. Tell them all the unexciting nuances of dating and use that Ben Stein voice to really drive it home. Your boring story coupled with their recent ingestion of Tryptophan, will have them running away from.
Be Regular Honest-Tell them you don’t want to talk about it and you are here to be with family. You may sound like a jerk, but this year you ain’t got that to do. You want to eat and relax with your people, Not focus on your romantic life. If they don't want to hear that, than you know what they truly are on.
Okay, some of all y'all need some clap back responses because you will encounter some shade grenades and I refuse to let my ladies down! So here’s some pre-generated responses you can use when they come for you.
“When you going to find a husband and settle down?”
- ·"When Jesus becomes available. Is he seeing anyone? Do you know?
- "When I get tired of being happy and ready to be run down. But I’m not talking about you, you look good girl."
- "Uhhh isn’t he supposed to find me? He knows my address."
- "When you going to settle down and divorce that ain’t sh*t man?"
“Time is ticking girl.”
- "What!?!? You can tell time? They teach that in public school?"
- "Yeah it always ticks, that’s what time does. Good job knowing that fact. I’m proud of you."
“When you going to have some babies! You know they are a blessing!”
- "When I’m tired of having money in my account"
- " When I’m tired of getting too much rest"
- "When I get tired of having nice things"
- "How much money you giving? You know, to take care of the kids that you want me to have"
However you address the holiday questions, just know that being single isn’t a disease or means you are defective. Don’t let people get into your head this season. Keep your chin up and remember what is for you is for you. As long as you know that, you will be okay!
What’s your holiday clap back?