If I am not being too forward I would love to offer dating advice for men. I know you don't take directions, but read this story and see where I'm coming from.
“Can you even have kids?” He said, as I sat speechless on the phone. I didn’t know how to respond to him. Part of me wanted to use an explicative while the other part was just confused. Confused, because this is our first phone conversation, and that seemed a bit of a personal question. Can I even have kids? If I couldn’t, you surely have stirred up some emotions which would cause me to rip off my clothes and run off into the sunset, Chris Brown style. At what point did he think that this question was appropriate for a first time conversation? I looked back over the past few months of meeting new people and hearing stories from others, and I realized that people don’t know how to conduct an initial date. Furthermore, they probably do not understand the importance of the FIRST IMPRESSION.
I only date guys (yay!) so I can only give you my perspective by using men, however, women don’t own the gold medal for dating either, so take heed everyone. It is very true that your first impression can be your last impression. I think people have started to become lax and so enthralled with the saying of “keeping it real” that they don’t recognize that there is a time and place to truly be real. The first impression can set the tone for your whole relationship with this person. Whether they view you as a long term companion, a bed mate, or just a friend, first impressions can shape your view of someone. “Oh Payne, you don’t understand, I should be myself! You are too judgmental.” I’m not the only one hun, people judge people period. In fact, we create our whole outlook based on what we saw, heard, and have experienced. So yea, a lot of people will judge you. That is why it’s important to take time and work on that first impression. People get stuck on a first impression which yeah maybe bad, but it’s all they really have in the beginning. You could be the nicest person in the world, but if you took your feet out your shoes and picked your toes at the table, it’s a wrap homie! (Very extreme example, I know, I got more coming)
Your first impression is similar to a job interview. For example, it is a known fact that I am not a timely person. Nothing extreme but I’m just not that person who says “if you are early you are on time and if you are on time you are late”. I’m just always muthatruckin late. However, when I interview for a job, I never say “yeah, I’m always late, but I stay to do all my work which is done flawlessly.” They interviewer didn’t hear the positive part; all they heard was the negative part. People focus on the negative, why? That’s another blog. What you should do at a job interview is give your positives and then your opportunities/weaknesses, which generally aren’t even real life issues. You say some bull like “I just expect perfection”. Something that sounds bad but based on the position it really isn’t. The equivalent would be: “I just can’t stop being faithful to my significant other.” (Tee hee, had to laugh at that one!) What I am about to share with you are do’s and don’ts of the first date. Disclaimer: All of these quotes are examples that have really happened.
Dating Advice for Men
“The way you lick that ice cream makes me think of you licking something else...”
- Do not make 80% of your conversation sexual or over compliment-Too many compliments can come off insincere and can lose their value. I.e Girl: How was your day today? Boy: Good now that I’m here with you. Girl: *smiles* did you have a lot of work? Boy: yeah, but thinking of you helped me get through it. Girl:*smiles a little less* I can understand that. Any weekend plans? Boy: Hopefully being with your pretty self. Girl:*Rolls eyes, so hard*. You gotta pull those out in intervals and know when to use them. Too much sex talk sounds presumptuous as if you are automatically going to get in her draws. (i.e d*mn girl, I bet you have suckable toes). If we aren’t feeling you sexually it can come off pretty creepy. I know many men love sex and it’s important, but just think those thoughts in your head and if we get to that point, you are very free to share them with me. We are adults; your conversations should be able to cover a variety of topics.
“Ummm I can pay 20$ on our meal”
- Suck it up fellas, it’s the first date, pay for the meal- If you ask her out and you are trying to show that you want more, just pay for the meal. No need to throw in the talk about “women are independent now, you should be paying for me” speech, especially if she never said anything about it. If you want to go back and forth over who should pay it, fine, but also realize you probably won’t be getting no booty. At. All. What you are trying to do is make a good impression; if you coordinate the dinner you can pick a place that is easy on your pockets.
“I live with my mom right now and she’s my best friend. And I’m working on getting a car. I been living with her for 12 years and I help her on the weekends”
- Don’t share so much- Sometimes people have an issue with oversharing. I’m not saying you shouldn’t be honest, but let that person get to know you. Before you pull out the bombs, let them see your personality. I’m not going to lie; a lot of women would have a hard time dealing with a man who made the comment above. Let’s be serious, when people are trying to build themselves up and it’s at the beginning of the relationship, it can be hard on both. It’s not necessarily about being superficial; it’s about trying to get a relationship to float instead of sink upon sailing. If you find someone and you are not where you need to be, flip those negatives to positives. “Well actually I am working on saving up for a home, so I moved back in with my mother to save some extra money.” “My car did breakdown, but I have a problem getting around the city. I am working on getting a new vehicle shortly.” A lot of women just want to understand that you are trying and actually doing better versus just sitting there with no plans.
“Yeah I know I’m ugly. You probably wouldn’t want to date a man like me”
- Don’t highlight your flaws-This reminds me of my job interview example, why showcase your flaws and hope someone would stay? All for the sake of being honest? Sometimes we are our worse critics and we will see something that the person you are on the date with didn’t even notice, until you brought it up. Girl: yeah my hair just isn’t working with me today, it is so dry. Dude’s thoughts: Well now that you mentioned it, yo hair does look like you got it a Laquisha’s Swap and Sell. Tighten up B*tch!
“The problem with women is they do not know their place.”
- Keep your extreme thoughts to yourself- It’s one thing to get a good conversation going; it’s another thing to go H.A.M sandwich on your first date. It should be a getting-to-know-each-other period with light conversation. No need to talk about abortions. Ladies, no need to talk about marriage and babies. Stay light, generate some laughs. Going on a first date is already hard. Making the other partner super-duper uncomfortable will not bring them back. But hey, some people like pain. FYI he was talking about other women not me, because of course, that made it better.
“I don’t have too many friends, I want to have friends, but I just don’t make them. I have people at work that I talk to and want to hang out with, but sometimes they want to hang out with me at the car show. I don’t have a problem with it, because I love cars. In fact when I was a kid……
- Shut up!!- Ladies are notorious for this! Some men are a culprit of this too. We talkers (yep I used to be a repeat offender, still am) do not know how to reel it in. We taaalllkkkkk, and not let the other person say anything. We don’t ask them questions about themselves so they can have a chance to speak, we monopolize the whole conversation. If your date is flirting with the staff, falling asleep or looking overwhelmed, chances are your constant talking isn’t engaging. You know what happens when you aren’t engaging? Well, we know another date doesn’t happen.
Am I saying that you can’t ever be you and share your hopes and fears and dreams? No! You should be free to do that! You should read your partner and learn to share that information as time goes on. But don’t shoot your wad on date 1. Sharing new information each time ya’ll meet makes you interesting and gives you two something more to talk about each time you meet. Dating is a lost art which has to be continually refreshed. There are sooo many other things I need to cover, I guess I might have to do a part deux!