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The problem with people who take advantage of your kindness

Single Gal's Guide Blog

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The problem with people who take advantage of your kindness

Miss Champagne B.

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I have such an issue with people who take advantage of your kindess.  No one wants to be used.  Nobody wants to feel like the only time that they are worthy of companionship is when they have something to give.  We live in a time where people are more concerned about self then they are concerned about others.  “What can they do for me?”  “What can I get out of it?” “How will this benefit me?”  Some people have the purest heart and will give the shirt off their back and unfortunately because of others will be naked before too long.  These “givers” are available for monetary, emotional, physical, and mental benefits which “takers” are more than willing to receive.  Sometimes I think takers should just be choked out in a public venue, but then I realize, “whoa girl, that sounded crazy. I’mma need you to scale it back a bit”. Then I came to a realization that some takers honestly do not know they are takers.

I know what you are thinking.  I am giving them a way out. Not in the least.  I believe you have two forms of takers in the world of Takerage. The first types of takers are those who are aware of what they are and what they are doing.  These are takers who already have your role identified in their head of what you can provide to them.  They will think of you first for rides, food, drugs, sex, etc. etc. etc.   This is the only thing you can provide to them and they know it!  Furthermore, these types of takers never come out of their pockets for anything. If they do, it’s because it will benefit them way more than it would you or it’s something that can be easily done on their behalf.  I had a family member who would always call when she needed a ride.  Never a “hey how are you” or anything like that, but wanted free transportation.  Then on top of that it was never to a place in close proximity.  If she was in Cali, she needed a ride to Florida. Where they do that at?

People who take advantage of your kindness

The next type of takers, do not know they are being takers.  They think they are in a normal friendship/relationship, where they happen to receive a ton of benefits from the other person.  This type of taker is not necessarily asking you for everything, but they aren’t rejecting anything either.   Furthermore, this type of taker’s lever of reciprocity is very low on the friendship/relationship meter.  Now I do not advocate tit-for-tat thinking or keeping score of the things you do for others.  I think that’s wack and it’s showing that you have an ulterior motive and possibly controlling.  However, when you look at the friendship/relationship from the outside and see that one person is giving a lot more than the other, there is a problem. For example I had a male friend who I enjoyed kicking it with and talking to occasionally.  He didn’t have a car and because he lived nearby, I would drop him off at home from time to time.  I would invite him over for dinner or buy pizza every now and then when we hung out.  He would jaw jack my ear off all night about his ex-girlfriend, and I would just allow him to talk because he seemed to need a friend.  Basically if he was in need, I was willing to help!  As time went on I realized that I was doing so much for him and when I would ask for something it could never be done.  There was always an excuse, reason, or just plain forgetfulness. After a while I realized that I was getting my feelings hurt and it didn’t appear as if he cared for me like I cared for him.

 

We now have our two types of takers, but what makes one better than the other? The difference between those two groups is that group A has no plans on changing how they treat you.  They do not see you as a close friend because of whatever reason, so it is best to keep these types of people at a distant. On the other hand group B has the potential to change.  How can they change? They begin to better understand the theory of RECIPROCITY. This is a situation or relationship in which two people or groups agree to do something similar for each other, to allow each other to have the same rights, etc., (http://www.merriam-webster.com)

Let’s revisit the guy in group B years later.  I stayed friends with him because I felt that he was a genuine person, I just knew that I was/am a sensitive person and can be hurt when I feel someone isn’t appreciative of what I do.  So, I slowed down what I did and cut back on many things that I did. I still can be me, but I wasn’t going to go so hard in the paint.  Well as time went on, I noticed he started making me  home cooked lunches out the blue (which was awesome!!!!!!!!) We started hanging out to watch movies and play games. (awesome!!!) Even went out a few times for dinner.  (yay!!!)  He started to learn that you have to take care of your friendships and as his situation became better he started to do just that. Some people are in certain periods of their lives that they don’t realize that they are consistently taking from the friendship/relationship account but not putting anything back into it.

I do not want people to think that “givers” just want money.  That they only feel appreciated when money is involved and that will make you even.  No sir that is not the case. With any relationship you give from the heart and with what you can.  It’s nice to do something for someone because you appreciate what they have done for you or because of the care/love you have for them, not because it’s owed to them.  (you see the difference?)  When my parents were sick and down for the count, two of my really good friends helped out by bringing dinner or stopping by to help take care of them. Previously for those friends, I had helped them plan a wedding and watched their children.  We did things for each other because we mean so much to each other.  I couldn’t see my life without some of my closest friends.  Friendships/Relationships are equal in love, not in gifts.

I used myself in both situations, because you guessed it, I’m a “giver”.  I get taken advantage of sometimes, and when I was younger it was bad.  I wanted everyone to be happy but unfortunately they didn’t mind that it was all at my expense.  As I have gotten older I have learned how to better utilize my giving skills.  Givers aren’t stupid people; sometimes our hearts are too big when it comes to sharing our resources with others.   In conclusion, I have learned what I can and cannot afford to give when it comes to takers.  It would be easier to just stop, but I’m only human people.  Give me a break!