Why she didn't say she wants a relationship

I think at times are confused by women. I he can't understand why she didn't say she wants a relationship.  This weekend I was able to meet up with a good buddy of mine.  We are always having deep meaningful conversations which can leads to hours of talking.  Often times it’s about the differences of both genders that can cause issues and frustrations between the sexes.  You have to see us converse; it’s almost like the ‘Gender Summit of 2013’.  He tells me his issues, I tell him mine, and then we solve for X.  A little background on us: We dated/talked for a bit back in the day, and eventually grew apart.  I started to go my way in life, and he did too.  It was a natural progression, well at least on my end.  I wanted a relationship from him, and saw that it wasn’t going to go anywhere so I moved on.  As women we often think if he isn’t going to give me what I want, why waste my time?  So I had that mentality and chose to keep it moving. Well, on this fine weathered day, I decided to ask him why he didn’t want a relationship with me back then?  Now I know some of ya’ll ladies are like why would you ask him that? It doesn’t matter! However, at times, I think feedback is necessary.  We sometimes walk around so much like our sh*t don’t stink and that the ending of a relationship is never our fault, but only his.  As I have gotten older, I like to ask, what happened? I like to know if it was something I was giving off that maybe I didn’t know, or if it was really him.  I have this sick, sick, sick need for closure people.  I’m sorry!

His main response: he didn’t know I wanted a relationship.  He didn’t know that I wanted a relationship?  How could he not?  I cooked for him, we went out to dinner, and I enjoyed hanging out with him.  How dumb could he be? As I sat back and thought, I never did say explicitly that I wanted a relationship. I just thought he knew that I wanted one, from what I was doing.  I felt that my actions where so obvious that he would have to be damn near retarded not to see how I felt.   Now that I say that out loud, I realize that sounds stupid.  How can anyone expect someone to read their mind?  Honestly, it’s a woman thang.  We are notorious for not saying what we feel/mean and throwing out context clues so that you understand how we feel.   Everyone knows a woman who thought/thinks like this. I.e. Him: Babe I know I missed that ballet show last night to go bowling. I’m sorry.  Her: You good boo.  (you aint good homie!!!!)

Fellas, have you ever been in a situation where you were hanging with a lady, laughing and kicking it, later becoming physical with her and just thinking “she is a cool chick to hang with”.  Next thing you know she’s looking at you like, “I want a relationship”. Then in your mind you are thinking, how did this happen? (Probably the s*x didn’t help, but that’s another story)  Maybe, had she said that from the get go you wouldn’t have gone down that path.  However, knowing some of the men I know ya’ll would probably still do it.  SMH.   But it’s true, sometimes a woman won’t speak about the relationship part until it’s too far along and lines have been crossed or when she gets tired of your non-committal, which you probably didn’t know it was even an issue.  Why do some women not voice the relationship issue until it’s too late or try to do it in sly, seemingly sneaking way? I have two theories, follow me if you will:


Why didn't she say she wants a relationship?

We are afraid of rejection- As women; we are accustomed to men pursuing us left and right.  We are accustomed to men walking up to us and asking us out on a date.  When put on the other foot, well, that can be frightening.  I know men may not love rejection but somehow, some way, ya’ll keep moving on the good foot. I will give men kudos, because if you had to rely on women being the aggressor, there would be very few dates had around the world.  Rejection is tough for a woman because we aren’t accustomed to it.  I approached a man about a relationship and he was very thorough in his explanation as to why he would not go down that path, but all I heard was “no you fat b**ch”. Extreme? YES! But that’s how it made me feel.  This is why we stay away from asking for a relationship. It’s almost like the words are lost in translation from the male mouth to the female ear.  It seems to hurt our pride a bit more.


If a man wants you, he will pursue- A very big notion in the female psyche.  If this man wants a relationship he will come after me.  That is the consensus.  If a man wanted us and our love, he will put the effort, time, and energy into creating a relationship with me.  However, I guess sometimes we feel like we need to help you along that road by giving subliminal hints.  Enough hints, so that you can understand that we really like you but not too much which still allows us to live by the rule of allowing you to pursue us.  What subliminal hints, you ask? Well my friend, I have some time to share with you what a few of her hints could be.  This can be things like:


  • Making you breakfast/lunch/dinner on the regular- “Hey I made a boat load of spaghetti, want to come by and get some?”
  • Buying you thoughtful items on a consistent basis-“I was in the store and saw these boxers and I remembered that all of yours have holes in them”
  • She is the goalie of your calls and texts, she’s not missing any of them-This young lady is always available and returns your messages ASAP.  Does she even have a life? You can’t tell!


What it basically comes down to is if she is doing things for you that you know she ain’t doing for another man, she is throwing you the hint that she may want more from you.  I have known too many guys who were blindsided by a woman who wanted a relationship and were not sure how they got into that situation.  They thought she was being nice, she thought he wanted more.  You have to watch gentlemen.  Be mindful of what is going on and make sure you state your intentions as soon as possible, if you think she may be going the insta-boyfriend route.  By knowing these signs you may be able to avoid having to have that conversation of why you can’t be together with a woman who you thought you were just friends with.

Love, LoveMiss Champagne B.